omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
