You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
