lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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