girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
