He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
