Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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