The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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