shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
