I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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