My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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