WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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