I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
