she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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