i jhust puked up my retainher.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
