my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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