watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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