Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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