I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
ttyl tear gas
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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