the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The air was thick with penises
You made out with two different species that night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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