I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
