Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
