My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
