Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
