Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
