My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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