What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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