better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
