some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
