Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
