3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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