Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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