I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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