I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
