Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
