There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
