I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize