They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
