thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
