We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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