I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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