youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
