matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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