I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
