i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
