It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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