Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
