I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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