You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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