Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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