HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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