The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize