You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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