The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i was born a porn star she said
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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