I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
