WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
