She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
