fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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